Alpha House

So, long long ago when I was still dating, I had this "Golden Rule" for myself when it came to mate selection.  "There can never be two superstars in a relationship."  I made this rule because, having a big personality myself, I am attracted to other people with big personalities.  But, having subsequently dated some of them, I came to find out that I am strictly noncompetitive and therefore exhausted every time I had to play the, "Look at me!" game.

So, following my own rule, I settled down with a decidedly strong, intelligent, but un-superstar type man.  He is quirky in all the right ways for me, social enough to join me on my myriad exploits, but not so limelight hungry that we spend all of our time elbowing each other out of the shot.

Then we had Urban.  Urban is a superstar.  Just ask him.  He came from the womb with jazz hands and a wink, I swear.  I love every bit of it, don't get me wrong.  He is my #1 source of entertainment most days, but it completely changes the dynamics of a relationship.  Then we had Beringer.  He's quieter, but don't underestimate him.  He's in charge.  Always.

Brett and I suddenly found ourselves embroiled in power struggles – with each other, with Urban, with Beringer, sometimes with our own parents.  I have come to realize that not only is it difficult to have more than one superstar in a relationship, it is equally difficult to find yourself surrounded by Alphas.

How is that possible?  Isn't the dynamic of the pack for one person to be alpha and the rest fall in somewhere behind?  I guess it is proof positive that people are not pack animals.  My house is full of alphas in every shade, temperament and disposition.

I am a producer alpha.  I like to research, plan, execute and bask in the praise all on my own.  I am very social and family oriented, but I take on all the work myself.  I make work for myself.  It leads to martyrism if I'm not careful.  It leads to burnout often.

Brett is a rules alpha.  He knows the rules.  He sets rules and he discovers rules when he doesn't know them.  He will let you know if you don't follow the rules.  He's really good at rules and order.  And it helps us run a consistent household.  It makes things reliable and easier to understand for everyone, but it can also lead to long lectures and rigidity if he's not careful.

Urban is an imperial alpha.  He basks in the glow of praise and attention.  He is sharp and witty and eager to impress you, but he also expects you to do everything for him.  He wants to be served.  And he wants you to become one of his legions.  He has this aura – people are drawn to him like a magnet, but it can lead to an inflated ego and spoiled attitude if we're not careful.

Beringer is a my-do alpha.  He does everything himself.  He does not want or need your help.  It annoys him to have to ask for help for anything.  And he really could care less if you think it's good or bad.  He doesn't need your praise.  He has a confidence that comes from somewhere deep inside of him.  So just follow along and keep your mouth shut.  I'm sure you can already see the problems with this.  He's one and a half.

So, what do you do in a house full of Alphas?  Some days we walk on egg shells.  We quietly dodge each other and go about our own business, but on better days, we take turns.  We pass the baton of power from hand to hand allowing each person to fulfill their need for it.  There are days that are exhausting and loud with conflict.  It's hard when everyone wants to be in charge.  It's harder when everyone is good at being in charge, but no on does it the same way (the right way, right?).  But on the days that we cooperate – the days that we acknowledge each others' alpha-ness – those days are amazing and full of fun and adventure and laughter and spotlights and just the right amount of rules.  Those days I love living in my Alpha House.