Bears

Urban earned his first reward yesterday by filling his Awesome Jar with Awesomes all the way to level one.  He did a great job.  The structure this system has given him has made our week one of the best ever.  He understands what is expected of him, and it is going a long way.

So, last night he earned his CDs back.  (Yep, we are back to KidzBop land.)  He actually earned his reward in the AM just before we left for school, so I hooked up his CD player in his room before we got in the car to go.  He was ecstatic that he would be able to sing and dance when he got home.

When I picked him up, he asked if he could watch "SharkBoy and LavaGirl" when we got home, and I said that would be fine until dinner.  He insisted that he wanted to eat dinner downstairs and watch his movie.  One of the things we are trying to achieve, and one thing he can earn Awesomes for, is sitting at the table with the rest of the family at dinner time.

As an aside, the family meal is a new thing for us.  We have never lived in a house with a usable dining room, and so we ate most of our meals on tray tables in front of the TV.  Brett and I decided, moving into the new house, that we wanted to institute the family meal around the dinner table.  It's definitely been a learning curve for Urban.

Anyway, I said "no" that he needed to eat at the table.  "But, Mama!  There's a table in the basement  where I can eat!" he whined.  He was trying to play the loophole.  I stuck to my guns, and he began to escalate.  So, I looked at him in the rearview mirror and said, "Buddy, you have to choices here.  You can continue to have your tantrum and then 'take a break' when you get home, or you can take a deep breath, mellow out and earn one extra stone."  Silence.  I looked in the rearview mirror to see him, eyes closed, breathing deeply and pulling it together.  I praised him, and he got an extra stone.

When we got home, he didn't want to watch his movie anymore.  He went upstairs and put in his CD.  I could hear him singing and dancing in his room.  Beringer went up there too, and when I went up to check on them, they were both sitting and reading books, singing to 80's classics and happy as can be.  I took a mental snapshot.  This is what I want my life, my family, to be like!

So, now I get to the bears.  Not every night this week was as idyllic as last night.  I mean, it's not like we flipped a switch and Urban turned into a mild-mannered little angel.  He's still Urban.  He's still high energy.  And he can still get ramped up and not know how to bring himself back down.

One of his hot buttons is board games/competition.  On Wednesday night, Brett played a few board games with Urban (which both of them could do for hours).  But it was a school night, and Urban needed to go to bed.  He didn't want to.  At all.

Things escalated and he punched daddy in the leg.  Not OK.  Brett and I "tag-teamed" and I took a screaming, kicking Urban upstairs to his room and shut the door.  I could not talk to him or discipline him when he was in that kind of state, and he was not settling down.  He wanted out of his room and was pushing past me to do it.

I said, "Urban, you need to calm down, and we're going to do it together."  I brought him to his bed and sat down, put him on my lap and wrapped him in a big bear hug.  (I did close the windows first, because it sounded like I was torturing a raccoon.)  He wriggled and pulled and screamed, "TOO TIGHT!!  YOUR SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!"

I was not.  I actually wasn't holding him that tight at all – just enough to keep him from smacking his head on the walls.  He was red faced and sweating by the time he calmed down and leaned onto my shoulder.  "I'm sweaty," he whimpered.  So we took his shirt off and he collapsed upside down on my knees and I blew on his belly.

"I hit Dada."  He said, still upside down with his hair grazing the rug.
"I know."
"So, no cuddles and no stories tonight, right?"
"That's right."
"And I lost an awesome?"
"That's right."
"I'm sorry.  Let's brush teeth and go to bed."
"Good idea."

The bear hug is what stopped the insanity on Monday, and the bear hug helped on Wednesday.  Urban is too big and too strong willed to simply send him to his room.  He won't do what he doesn't want to do.  Especially in a fit of rage.  But the bear hug restrains him so he can't hurt himself or others.  And it helps, with gentle rocking or even a little soft singing, to bring him back to his senses relatively swiftly.

He doesn't want to be mad anymore than we do.  He doesn't set out to hit or to throw things.  He's not malicious, he's out of control.  It's our job, Brett and mine, to teach him how to regain that control – to teach him to breathe, to count, to sing at the top of his voice – whatever it takes to calm himself and move on.

We're working on it.  And the bears are helping.