Urban is not an average 4-year-old. On one side he is unfathomably polite and helpful. He is insightful and empathetic beyond his years. He's creative and an incredible story teller. He's also angry. Very very angry. We don't know why. He always has been. He can be impulsive and rambunctious. And he does not like the word "no".
I know that no 4-year-old likes to hear that word. I know that all 4-year-olds have temper tantrums and irrational behavior. But not many 4-year-olds can sustain that tantrum for 3+ hours escalating to hysteria kicking and punching everything and everyone in sight while screaming, "I make the rules here!" "I will make you cry!"
Well, friends, no. NO. HE DOES NOT. He does not make the rules. Monday was hard, but it was a violent wake up call that showed Brett and I some of the errors of our ways. Because parenting is hard. It's really hard and sometimes I'm tired. Sometimes I just want a break. Sometimes when it's the 7th night in a row that Brett has been forced to work late (beyond the boys' bedtimes), I just don't have the patience to stay firm and stick to the program.
But it is not a choice. We know that Urban needs structure. All kids need structure, but especially Urban. He thrives in an environment where he knows exactly what is expected from him. An environment where he has minimal control and minimal choices. He is amazing at school. Amazing. And we want him to be amazing at home too. But, as parents, we have to build the framework. No one else can.
So, after processing the night, Brett and I made lists. 3 to be exact. After the massive meltdown and physical lashing out of the night, we decided his punishment was to lose privileges. Specifically, he lost his access to most technology - video games, iPad and non-educational television. So, we had to figure out a simple system that would build for Urban the structure that he needs, while still allowing him to control his rewards.
The first list we made was all the things Urban can still do – NOT the things that he is not allowed. We wanted an easy reference so that, when faced with the inevitable "No iPad? Then what can I do?!" question, we had an answer. So, Urban can still read books, play board games, play in his toy room with blocks or his kitchen or any other myriad toys. He can do puzzles. He can draw, color or cut paper. He can watch PBS up to 1 hour in the morning before we go to school and up to 1 hour at night while I make dinner. There are lots of things till to do.
The second list was all the things Urban can do to earn back his privileges. We wanted this list to contain a combination of things we need him to do with out a battle, things he should be doing anyway, and things that he can be proud of doing to be helpful. There are 10 things on this list.
- Get dressed
- Put shoes on
- Put dishes in the sink when finished eating
- Feed the cats
- Flush the toilet after he goes
- Wash his hands after he goes
- Sit at the dinner table and eat with the family
- Brush teeth/take meds
- Bathe and actually wash body and hair
- Pick up his toys/games/books when finished
All of these things are attainable goals and things that, at this age, he should have been doing without a major struggle anyway. But, he didn't. Not at home. Part of that is on us. Part of that is the power struggle that is a constant in our house. But Urban doesn't get to run our house anymore. His reign is over.
The final list was all the things he could earn back. Everything from his CD player and video games to fancy flavored milk and gum. We will go one by one down the list until we get to #9 n(because 9 is all the fit on our jars). Numebr 9 is Urban's choice. He can choose from a day at the water park or Mall of America or maybe a trip to Chuck E. Cheese.
So, how do we keep track of all this earning? I took a note from one of my cousins and instituted the Awesome Jar. Essentially, we now have 2 mason jars. One is filled with glass stones, the other is empty with lines marked and numbered in black marker. It takes approximately 30 stones to fill the jar line to line. That means, if Urban completes each task on his list once per day, he will fill the jar in 3 days. However, things like washing hands, remembering to flush, dishes in sink, etc. could be earned more than once each day. And if he pitches a major fit, he could have stones deducted – but only in relation to the things on the list.
We still do timeouts. We still have separate consequences for things like hitting his brother or someone else. The jar is separate it is a reward system for good behavior.
OK, so now I'm sure you wondering, "really? You really think this is going to take the screaming demon from Monday night who can't accept 'no more iPad tonight' and turn him into a happy, compliant child?"
My answer is yes. Yes, I think it can. And, so far, it has. Urban knew when he want to bed on Monday night that, "Everything is going to change." He was prepared. I will tell you, yesterday, he earned more than 10 stones. He asks about the stones, "Can I earn one if I do this?" "No, that's not on the list." "Can I get this instead of that?" "No. You will get this first because that's what Mama and Daddy decided." He has not asked to play iPad or video games. He has accepted that TV is only PBS Sprout not Sponge Bob or She-Ra. He has found a number of creative things to play with that don't plug into the wall.
He is proud of himself for earning his stones. In fact, he DRESSED HIMSELF THIS MORNING. He picked out his clothes and put them on before he came and said good morning. He was self-sufficient. He was a big boy. He was so proud.
Now, do I think that it is "fixed", that I'll never see another tantrum or face another morning of fights to get into his school clothes? No. But can I appreciate a morning without a fight? One, blissful morning... Yes.
And I will remember THIS morning as vividly as Monday night. Because THIS morning I heard Urban say, "Mama, the birds are singing so loud this morning! They must be really happy!" Yes, yes they are. And so am I. I am happy that I can hear the birds instead of screams to start my day for at least one day. And I expect that there will be more mornings like this to come – as long as we can stay consistent, patient and firm.
That is my new mantra. Consistent. Patient. Firm. Breathe. (the breathing is the hardest part sometimes. Just breathe.)
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